How do I know Pippa would wear it? Funny you should ask…I know because I almost daily check out Pippa’s new outfits. Unfortunately for her, the paparazzi follow her everywhere. Probably even more than her sister who is the actual Princess of England. Fortunately for me, this gives me a great procrastinating past-time.

Here is why I love Pippa Middleton and want to be her. She is rich by association. Meaning, she didn’t actually have to work hard to get rich. Her family got rich by starting a party planning business and now Pippa edits their blogs for them and organizes events. She also gets to be a part of royal activities due to the fact that her brother-in-law is going to be the King of England pretty soon. No big deal. But she doesn’t have to be royal ALL the time. Kate has to do all the charity events and whatnot – Pippa just gets to go to the parties. And finally, Pippa became a worldwide sensation just because she’s really gorgeous and has an enviable body. No one cares that she edits a party planning blog. And I bet you a million bucks no one would be taking pictures of her if she didn’t have celebrity looks and a killer wardrobe.

Now, I know that her life probably isn’t all that jazzy – I mean, it has got to sting a little bit when your sister is actually a princess. And she’s just, well, the sister of a princess. But I digress…

Here is my main point that has taken me a while to get to (I had to take a while to stop turning green while writing about Pippa). My mom and I were talking about body image stuff over Christmas break and she said something very insightful. She said that when she was growing up, she would always look at the most popular or beautiful girls in high school and think – “It’s not fair! You get to enjoy being gorgeous AND everyone praises you for it like you won the Nobel peace prize or something.”

That’s the thing isn’t it? People who are considered the most beautiful in our society are praised for something that they don’t really have a lot to do with. So Pippa’s father married a pretty woman and they got rich and Pippa gets to enjoy the benefits of good genes and a sweet bank account. All because of fate.

On the flip side, I can’t really imagine what would happen to Pippa if she gained a few pounds or started getting wrinkly (which happens to every human being, even the princess’s sister). As soon as someone famous ages slightly, the press is all over it. Think about 15 years from now, “Pippa Middleton gets Botox! The King of England pays for it! Pippa gains 1/12 of a stone! Pippa is single again! Will anyone ever love Princess Kate’s poor little sister!?”

This post is getting long but here is my last point. With famous, beautiful people – I really am starting to think the obsession with them is an existential one. Let me explain. I think that when I look at famous people, a secret, less-than-logical side of me thinks that they might be immune to time, aging, or the tough facts of life like the rest of us commoners are subject to. That’s why when someone famous dies (Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger) – we’re all shocked in an abnormal way. But…he was…Michael Jackson! He can’t die! Whitney Houston!? How can she be gone?

Catch my drift? This is more of a personal confession of my obsession with Pippa than a body image blog but, hey, maybe some of you can relate. I’d be interested to here some replies back to this blog answering the following question, “Is there any celebrity/person you secretly idolize for similar reasons?” If not – that’s cool. I will deal with my weird-ness in stride.

So I have decided that days when you aren’t feeling hot, motivated, fabulous, or like your clothes look great are entitled “Ugh Days” (Former names include: Fat days, Off days, Mondays, ect…)

We all have them. At least I think we do. Maybe Madonna never does. Although my dad recently confessed to me that he finds Madonna to be kind of scary.

The past few days have been Ugh Days for me. One of my lovely friends wrote me an email about Ugh Days last week. And then today I had a mini breakthrough while driving and thinking about how I hadn’t written my blog in a while. I say mini because it wasn’t mind-blowing but it made a difference.

I don’t always think that happy body image means that we have to LOVE what we see in the mirror all the time. There will be days that we feel better about ourselves than others. There will be periods of our lives when we eat more Nutella or whatever your chocolate of choice is than others. There will be days when we don’t listen to our own advice (ahem…referring to myself here). But today I decided that I was still going to love myself in general.

Here’s what I mean. It occurred to me that I don’t love other people based on what they look like. I might admire them if they are really good-looking but I don’t LOVE them sometimes and not others based on what they look like. It doesn’t even occur to me to base my thoughts about my loved ones based on what they weigh, what their skin is like, or what outfit they have on. It seems ludicrous.

But somehow I’ve done that with myself. And I don’t think I’m the only one. Somehow I think that it’s normal to love myself more one day than another based on what I look like. Based on how much I’m working out or what I’m eating.

Challenge of the day: Love yourself like you love your friends and family. I’m working on it!

The reason I started thinking about body image was because of a major theme in the movie, namely, what happens when sex is detached from the desire for human connection and becomes an addiction: an answer to problems it can’t be relied on to fix. My fabulous friend Kelly and I commented on how none of the scenes in the movie about sex were the least bit sexy…they were more like a train wreck.

So what happens when people are viewed as objects instead of humans with souls, hearts, and stories? When one takes the human out of a person and views him/her as an object, good things don’t happen. Think holocaust or slavery – these are the ugly things that happen when ANY person or group of people is viewed as less than human. These are the ugly things that happen when a human is viewed only in terms of how they look. Hitler wanted a blonde-haired, blue-eyed race of humans. Likewise, America had to fight a Civil War in order to come to the final conclusion that slavery was nothing but the horrifying idea that some humans are inherently lesser than others.

So what happens when a woman is viewed only in terms of her outward appearance? She becomes less than human. She is “the girl with the nice legs” or the “girl with the big boobs” or the “girl with the weird hair” or the “fat girl” or the “ugly chic.” She is no longer a human soul but just a body. And when those two things are separated – good things don’t happen. Ugly things happen. Very. Ugly. Things.

We can’t change society unless we change it one person at a time. Starting with ourselves. Starting with what we do in the morning and throughout the day. What we say to ourselves and how we treat ourselves. Instead of beating ourselves up over a few extra pounds or a bad hair day or a bad skin day or a bad all-over day, we love. Because we are not reduced to our thighs, our stomachs, our butts, or our faces. Because if we reduce ourselves to what we look like, ugly things happen: disgust, fear, loathing, punishment, sadness, distress, shame.

Say it over and over – I am a human not just a body. Not just a face. Not just an outfit. I am a human. I am a soul. I am a heart. I am a story.

As long as I am going with the whole musician theme, is there any lyric in all of history that best represents self-loathing and the desire to be attractive at the core of your very being? I once was researching eating disorders on the web and to my utter horror, found what are known as Pro-Ana websites. Websites that women with anorexia go to in order to bolster their motivation not to eat anything. Who encourage one another to look at sickly thin models as “thin-spiration.” This Radiohead lyric was on their home page.

My current research question in grad school regards how people with clinical disorders find meaning in their lives. And how their disorders might actually serve as a source of meaning for them. For example, how people with eating disorders view their ability to control their food intake as a positive aspect of their life. As a sign of self-control and “special-ness.” As a way to say, “I am unique. No one else can live without food for so long but I can.” My brilliant friend, Olivia, pointed out that this phenomenon is known as “secondary gain.”

It got me thinking about what the “secondary gains” are for women who are deemed “skinny” or “beautiful.” Sadly enough, attractive people in general make more money, are sentenced to less time in prison, and are seen as more capable and intelligent and viewed as “special” according to social psychology. Even attractive children receive more attention from their teachers and peers. So I can’t lie and say that the world doesn’t reward people with symmetrical faces and healthy looking bodies. We all know it to be true.

However, I put the term “beautiful” in quotation marks because I firmly believe there are many ways to be deemed “beautiful” or “attractive” . For example, this young lady was on her bike the other day and we were both stopped waiting for the little “walk” sign to come on so we could cross the street. And all of the sudden she gave me the hugest smile. Not a “hey, how’s it going” smirk but a huge “I am glad you’re on the earth with me” smile and I could have cried it was so beautiful. It is those moments of human connection that are the most beautiful to me. I believe the moments in which we extend ourselves in kindness, love, and respect are the most beautiful we’ll ever be. We may never have control and we don’t have perfect bodies or perfect souls but we can be “special” by focusing on the things that really make people beautiful instead of on what we see in the mirror. What a world we would live in!

Now whatever you feel about Lady Gaga – that her costumes are too crazy or she has wierd views on life or you don’t agree with her morals or her all-over scandally self (yep – just made scandal into an adjective…just did it), Lady Gaga does have something to say about being proud of who you are – the way that you are, not the way that you “should be”.

Sara’s guest blog inspired me to write about Lady Gaga because in the last paragraph of her blog she talked about “owning it”, about walking tall with your head up. I resonated with that because ever since I began writing this blog, I have made a habit of listening to “Born this Way” or “Bad Romance” or “Telephone” while walking to school like a fashion model. Seriously, I try walking like a fashion model. Sometimes, I slip or trip a little bit because I still have to hone my skills but its real fun. I dare you to try it. Just try it! You know you want to.

Step 1. Download Lady Gaga. Or if you don’t like her – download some other song that has a fast tempo and inspires you.

Step 2. Turn it up and walk like a fashion model (Don’t pretend like you don’t know how and don’t worry about looking silly. You don’t. You look fierce.)

Step 3. See how you feel afterwards.

This new habit has actually made a little bit of a difference in my life. On days when I don’t walk with confidence – I don’t feel as confident. It might seem crazy but it works for me. There is some truth to doing something in order to feel a certain way rather than doing something because you feel like doing it.

For example, sometime if you’re feeling blue, try smiling even if you don’t feel like it. Your brain recognizes the smile as something you do when you’re happy and so you naturally feel a little happier. The same could go for many things in life, including happy body image. Saying something nice to yourself in the morning even if your gut reaction is, “Ugh. I look fat today” or “What is this new zit!?” or “I am too tall” or “I am too short” or “My clothes don’t look just right.” If you continue saying those negative things, you will continue feeling that way and in turn, you won’t treat yourself as nicely. Why would you treat yourself nicely if you don’t think you’re worth being nice to?

Just listen to Lady Gaga, “So hold your head up girl and you’ll go far. Listen to me when I say – I’m beautiful in my way ‘cus God makes no mistakes – I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way. Don’t hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and your set – I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way!!!”

Another guest blogger! No…I’m not getting lazy (well…maybe a little bit) but I AM a big fan of my friends and I think they have great things to say about body image. My friend Sara is a loverly woman who is also quite tall. I met her in college and never thought of her height as much as her all around impressive-ness. Sara is the type of woman who gets things done and has a sense of humor along the way. She is a crazy awesome combination of busy and calm, serious and funny, entertainer and listener. And did I mention how smart she is?? I always think tall women who stand up straight and walk with confidence are a sight to behold and now I will hand it off to Sara to tell us how hard and awesome that task can be

So I need to start off with a confession…. there is something you really must know about me.  I am 5’12” (ok, you got me, I am actually SIX FEET TALL).  Some of you may be wondering “why is this important” while others may be thinking “hm…. That’s pretty tall (especially for a girl).” I have always been tall. I was the girl who towered over all the boys in grade school (which made it a little harder to blend in with the crowd). Even in high school, I couldn’t seem to shake the ever-present role of being the ‘tall friend,’ especially since most of my friends were almost a foot shorter than me (that’s right 12 whole inches). Yeah! It is almost like David and Goliath…. Not that I ever enjoyed being compared to Goliath. I’d prefer to be David, hands down, every time.  However, I have to admit, my height can be useful when people need to reach things off the top shelf. I even have had people joke that I can be their personal bodyguard [I’m not exactly sure if it’s my height or my brute strength that contributes to the intimidation factor of being someone’s bodyguard]. Either way, I have always considered myself to be more of a ‘gentle giant’ and not quite the ‘bodyguard’ type.

Don’t get me wrong, I like being tall. Well at least now I do. BUT I can’t say I always felt that way about my height. I remember times when I would purposely slouch so I didn’t look so tall. Seriously, how embarrassing is it when someone is standing in church and people are getting noticeably agitated and are whispering about not being able to see (not that I would know from personal experience…)? Let’s not mention the tears I cried when I went shopping for jeans because highwaters and floods were just never quite in style and 36”-37” inseams were simply unheard-of. And despite my love for shoes, I would NOT be caught dead in a pair of heels because I would be a ‘giant’ or at least that’s what everyone would tell me. I guess that wearing heels and being tall is a faux pas according to society’s standards unless you are a model. Even to this day, I have people asking me “what basketball team do you play for” or commenting on how I “must be really good at sports.” Unfortunately, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I have to inform them that I retired early due to an injury in eighth grade. Usually I have to confirm this fact one more time with a “Yes, my ‘glory days’ as an athlete ended prematurely.” These random strangers are often flabbergasted and simply can’t comprehend why I don’t play sports?! I have even had people tell me I am “wasting my height” (whatever that means…). This comment almost always makes me feel the need to apologize to these complete strangers. “Sorry I don’t play sports and I don’t live up to your expectations.”

Society has a way of influencing our thoughts and feelings by suggesting what is socially appropriate. We are constantly surrounded with subliminal messages about what we should wear, how we should look, or why we should feel a certain way…. And YES all the cool kids are doing it so you should too. I suppose I could be sentenced to wear flats for the rest of my life, but why? Why should you or I let people’s perceptions or society’s influences dictate how we feel or what we do? Why should we feel the need to apologize for not living up to the perceptions and expectations that society has created? Why must we feel inferior for being who we are? 

I think it is safe to say that we all have something we would like to change about ourselves. For the longest time, I wished I was shorter and I even attempted to mask my height by slouching or walking with my head down. I spent far too much time avoiding the fact that the likelihood of me magically shrinking was pretty much never going to happen. However, I have come to realize that being 5’12” is a part of who I am, and you know what I like it. We were all created to be unique and different AND that is what makes us beautiful. How boring would life be if we were all exactly the same height and weight, looked identical, and wore all the latest trends? I don’t know about you, but I think the world would be pretty monotonous, dull, uninteresting…. It would lack the excitement and beauty that can be found in people. There is no need to blend into the crowd!

I encourage you all to join me in slipping on a pair of stunning stilettos (or some cute flats) and take a walk with me. I want you to own IT [whatever it is that you may not like about yourself] by strutting your stuff. Remember to stand tall and to keep those shoulders back with your head up ready to face the world (absolutely NO slouching). Set your insecurities aside (better yet kick them to the curb). Walk with the confidence that you ARE beautiful regardless of your height, weight, fashion sense… Trust me people, society won’t know what hit ‘em.

My dear friend Naomi (also known as Nomi, Nomes, Omi or my personal favorite Nomi wan Kanomi) has been a part of my life since my sophomore year at college. I am at my weirdest, most real, and best and worst in front of Naomi and she accepts all of it. She is an amazing pianist and organist, she manages over 100 employees, she takes care of people, she loves scarves, she is both sharply sarcastic and meltingly sweet at the same time, and she is one of my best friends on this planet. I hope you love this post of hers as much as I do (also, Gracias for the shout out Love you Nomes!!

Picture by thegrapejuice.com

Jenni’s last post about Margaret Thatcher inspired me to write about one of my current idols, Adele.

 I think you would be hard-pressed to listen to a radio station playing current music and not hear one of Adele’s hits from this year.  For those of you who might not know – she is the lady with the incredible set of pipes that sings such songs as “Rolling in the Deep” and “Someone Like You” (both #1 hits in the US and Europe this year).  I remember the first time I heard her sing (I’m still sore from dropping my jaw to the floor) She is in a word: incredible.

 I also remember another first for Adele.  I remember the first time I connected her voice to a picture of her in magazine with thoughts such as: “You have to be kidding me.  This can’t be what she looks like….”  I didn’t say that because I was struck by her beauty – although she is gorgeous… no, sad as it is to admit, I remember thinking “How can she be so famous and not be a size 2?”  It makes me embarrassed to think it.

 I can’t imagine the amount of confidence and positivity that she has to surround herself with in order to combat the incredible close-mindedness of the world around her (including me).  While most magazines are asking starlets: What’s your daily diet? How many hours do you exercise a day? or What is your favorite health food?, they are asking Adele:  How has your fame affected your diet? Do you feel pressure to look like Jennifer Lopez or Katy Perry? Have you felt a backlash from your fans for your appearance?

 Yes, Adele looks like a real woman: one with curves, a sassy attitude, and a tremendous voice.  She is under intense scrutiny from every media outlet out there, but unlike most celebs who go on super-diets and feel the necessity to alter their minds and bodies, Adele holds strong. Shes says instead: “I’ve seen people where it [body image] rules their lives, who want to be thinner or have bigger boobs, and how it wears them down, and I don’t want that in my life. I have insecurities, of course, but I don’t hang out with anyone who points them out to me.” 

There are a lot of celebs that fold under the oppressiveness of the world’s expectations of them, and it is refreshing to see that Adele is not one of those. She has even gone on to say: “I don’t make music for eyes – I make music for ears.”  What about you? Are you doing the same with your life?  Do you have the ability to stand up tall like her, with an all-encompassing feeling of self worth, or are you too distracted sitting and looking at magazines, dreaming of looking like Jennifer Lopez one day?

It takes a lot of guts to stand up and be proud of who you are and what you look like.  It takes a lot of guts to express it to the media.  It takes a lot of guts to start an entire blog about it …ahem Jenni ahem….. I hope you have the same guts to stand up the world’s expectations (and your own expectations) and say that you are proud of both who you are and what you look like, and maybe someone will one day dedicate a blog to “Someone like you”.

She’s pretty cool if you ask me. Beautiful even.  Not in a Victoria’s Secret kind of way but in an “I know who I am and what I want and no one is going to stop me” kind of way.

Last night I was thinking about how powerful, smart women are usually talked about. Sometimes they say, “She has such a great personality.” Or “Wow – she really knows how to get things done.” But the line that bothers me the most is when people exclaim, “It’s crazy! She’s smart, powerful  AND beautiful!”  which basically implies that a woman is usually either-or. Either you’re smart or you’re pretty.

Is it true? Are women either-or?

I certainly don’t think so – but the paradox is that society has set the bar so high for what a woman has to look like to be considered beautiful that sometimes it feels like we are either-or. Simultaneously pulled in two directions. Either I will spend all my time in the gym, obsessing over my body, my clothes, my hair, my make- up…in order to come close to my own or society’s standard for beauty OR I will whole-heartedly throw myself into things that I am passionate about while allowing a smaller (more reasonable?) amount of my energy to the way that I look. Either way – it feels like I am not quite enough.

On a trash TV note, I watched The Bachelor last night. I am sure you’ve heard of it by now (what are we on….almost 20 seasons?) One thing I noticed after 7 unfortunate women were kicked off was that every woman almost immediately started blaming herself. “There was so much competition – everyone was so beautiful” or “I don’t understand what I did wrong!?” or “I suck in social situations, I am just not funny enough or bubbly enough.” And all of these women were classically “beautiful” – long flowing hair, tan skin, thin, great dresses, ect…They had done all they could to be the “ideal” only to engage in a self-defeating string of negativity towards themselves afterwards.

And that is the true tragedy with women and young girls today. We are bombarded with advertisements and our own thoughts which say that achieving a physical “ideal” (whatever that may be) will also grant us a few very powerful things: confidence, freedom from negativity, attention, self-esteem, and maybe even the coveted title of beautiful.

Little do we know that we can have all of those things without ever achieving a physical ideal. Repeat after me: Even if I never, ever look like I want to look – I can be confident, competent, positive about myself, have self-esteem, and be beautiful in my own delightful way. Now say it 12 more times.

Margaret Thatcher changed the world without looking perfect. And so can we.

Like the beginning of a relationship or the first days of a new diet plan, happy body image felt like something shiny and new. It felt full of promise to change me from the inside out.

And then I realized that it takes work. That’s right. Happy body image takes work. It seems as if people think that striving and punishing your body takes the most work. But really, being content with your body and learning to love it, accepting its flaws and its quirks takes the most work. Happy body image screams against one thing we know as women: Things could always look better.

How do we know our bodies could look better? Because we see “perfect” women everywhere on TV, in magazines, in make-ups ads, and in Victoria Secrets’ windows. Does that mean that we should stop watching TV or reading magazines? I for one am not ready to do that. Does that make me weak?

Maybe. But one of the most positive aspects for me of learning to be an advocate for happy body image is that I have learned that those women are not perfect. They may be beautiful but they are not perfect in the way that the magazines make them out to be. The other day I took a good hard look at an advertisement and thought to myself, “This is not reality. That woman has pores in real life but in this picture she doesn’t. That woman has fine lines, but in this picture she doesn’t. The photo-shop king has erased her flaws and now this picture is messing with real women’s reality.”

What I have learned is that happy body image requires all of our capacities.  It demands willpower to “watch our thoughts” – combating every negative one with an equally true positive one. It demands persistence in “watching our words”: biting our tongues when we want to talk fat talk with our family and friends. It calls for diligence in “watching our actions” to see if how we treat ourselves is how we want to be treating ourselves. It calls for dedication is “watching our habits” by recognizing how much of a habit it is for women to measure themselves by the outside instead of the inside. Its quiet voice begs for honesty in looking at how our character is being shaped by our thought, words and actions, and habits. And finally – happy body image requires us women to question whether our destinies should be influenced by what we see in the mirror or by what we know to be true in our hearts: That beauty is more complex and multi-faceted than a number on a scale, the color of our skin, or the dark circles under our eyes.  

So think about your destiny this year. Think about what has been holding you back from your dreams, from having fun, from putting on a bathing suit, or from taking good care of yourself. The world is waiting!!

Yes. Yes, that is going to happen. Where there is a will, there’s a way.

Sometimes I really struggle with wanting to be me just the way I am. When I am around people who are skinnier than me, I think, “Hmmm…imagine what I would look like if I just lost 10 or 15 pounds.” I also think about the structure and sense of accomplishment I feel when I am following a diet plan. I think that maybe if I just got skinnier, I would get noticed more. People would ask me my secrets to staying in good shape.

Let’s be honest here. No one wants to be the woman who commiserates with others over wanting to be skinnier. Everyone wants to be the woman who has conquered the struggle to stay in good shape, who has returns victorious waving the skinny flag in all her glory.

What’s the solution? Better yet, what’s the resolution?

I don’t really know. Do you have any ideas?

Just kidding. But seriously. There is this therapy that I have fallen in love with called ACT. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. There’s a lot more to it than this, but one of its goals is to create something called, “psychological flexibility” – this basically means: engaging the present moment fully and consciously behaving in ways that that help you to work towards your core values as a human. Asking yourself what you really want out of life, what you’re passionate about, what you care about, what you love.

Sometimes I am afraid that for women, the most core of all our values involves feeling beautiful. Test this in yourself. If you could be rich or beautiful – which would you choose? If you could change the world but would have a disfigured face, which would you choose? If you could live your dream everyday but had to shave your hair off…would you do it? It matters to us. It matters to others. We value and notice beautiful women. Last night before watching the ball drop in NYC, I took note of the top five American resolutions. Number 5 was spending more time with loved ones. Number 2 was losing weight. Does that seem weird to anyone else?

While I can’t pretend that my resolutions don’t often involve feeling better about myself physically, I resolve this year to investigate and look after some of my other core values. Somehow I think when I look back on my life, I will wish I has spent more time with loved ones and less time trying to lose weight.

Not that they are mutually exclusive but still. It helps to keep it in perspective.